"Humbled and Clinging"

I am humbled at the moment for many reasons. I'm humbled and thankful for the family of God who has come together to pray for our precious Matthew. Thank you will never be enough, yet at the same time I know this is why HE binds our hearts together through the unity of His son. I am humbled that God would entrust such an opportunity to us as a family. Wow! I never thought this would be me. Why? Because I am weak and I would crumble and yet HIS strength is perfect when our strength is gone. He carries us each step of the way. That is where the clinging comes in. That is all I can do is cling. Let me back up and let you know what has happened in the last few days. Matthew has been suffering from headaches for a couple of months. They have been getting worse and more frequent. We honestly had chalked it all up to allergies, but Wednesday when my tough as nails son who never cries was crying in pain we took him to the Dr. The Dr. was not concerned and thought it was just pre-teen migraines, but wanted to cover all of our bases. God had placed an urgency in our hearts to go to the Dr. and placed a thoroughness in our Dr. to make sure it was all covered. We were scheduled for an MRI the week after Christmas. God made an opening yesterday and MRI called us and wanted to see him at 4:00. Still having no reason to be alarmed we had the MRI and went out to dinner. This morning we got a rather urgent call from the Dr. wanting to see Matt and I together without Matthew. That is never a good sign. We went in and heard what at the time in my opinion was the worst case scenario. "Matthew has a mass in the center of his brain. At this time we do not know if it is cancer or not, but it is causing fluid to build up in his brain and spine and left untreated can be fatal." Punch me in the stomach. I couldn't breathe. I went numb. When he walked out of the room I lost it. All I remember was Matt holding me up and praying (thanking God for HIS strength.) Shortly after Matt began to make phone calls and word spread and our brothers and sisters in Christ began to pray. It was as if a blanket began to literally cover over my whole body. I could feel the covering of prayer. It swept over me and God began to provide strength and peace. We checked the boys out of school and took them home to share the news with them. Joshua took it the worst. He cried. He doesn't want Matthew to lose his hair and he offered to save him a piece of pizza. Caleb, being Caleb, drew a picture of Matthew's brain with a big spot in the middle, hugged him and said, "Well, you've been a good brother." This is how Caleb deals with things, he makes us laugh. Matthew was stunned for a moment and then began to joke it off. I think he was in shock. As we got in the car, per our Dr.'s orders that this was serious and should be handled TODAY, Matthew began to share with us some prayer requests. "Mom, as people pray tell them to pray for this. Tell them to pray that I can have a ministry to other children there who are sicker than I am. Pray that if I lose my hair it will grow back fast. Pray I don't die, but if I do please know that I am not worried about that. Pray that I won't be scared. Pray that God will use this to build my testimony and show me how to use it. Pray that God will use this to grow our church closer together and most importantly closer to God."

Never once did he ask us to pray that God would take it away. That is what I have been praying, or maybe even demanding in my heart. Matthew is in great spirits and he keeps finding ways we can learn and grow through this. You know as a mom that is humbling. I am the speaker. I am the one who writes and yet he is the one who really gets it.

As I sit here typing Matthew is in a 3 hour long MRI. Only one parent could go back and he chose Dad. He knows who can handle the stress. I sit here interceding on his behalf and humbled that God would bless me with such a son. He is amazing. He is not mine. He is HIS! That is harder to say today than it ever has been. I don't like letting go of that mommy grip.

We will know more later tonight, but right now we are looking at surgery around 8:00 in the morning. They will not be removing the tumor at this time. They want to go in and basically make a bi-pass valve for the fluid in his brain. The tumor has caused his brain not to drain correctly. This bi-pass will hopefully relieve the pressure. They are not making promises, but they are trying to get us home by Christmas. Christmas...the holiday seems not so important at the moment, yet the reason we celebrate is ALL we can cling to. We are praying, we are praising, we are singing and we are scared. I teach about overcoming fear all the time and yet I have been on the ups and downs of that very sin all day long. What outweighs that fear however is the peace that comes in knowing that HE knows all things. He sees all things. He has a plan for THIS!!!! I would not have chosen this, but then again who am I to choose? We desire HIS will above all. I am reminded as I type with tears what Matthew prayed concerning himself. "God have your way and give us the strength to accept whatever that is." I would walk this for Matthew if I could, but I can honestly say I cannot think of a better child to be entrusted with this trial. He is pointing to Jesus through it all. He is clinging to Him and he is sharing with every nurse and Dr. we meet. He is telling them that he is not scared because HIS church is praying.

Thank you for your continued prayer and be encouraged. Matthew is!