"A CELEBRATION OF LIFE"

A Right?

A Choice?

A Gift!

A Privilege!

LIFE!!

Every little girl’s dream. A burning desire. Something is different. A Tiredness. A glow. A fluttering. Movement. Life. Life fashioned deep within me by the creator of all things x’s 4. Only “One” could think of such a perfect plan. Such a precious way to develop life. Deep within. Safe. Secure. Binding. I wait. I dream. I hope. I plan. And then before body and soul get ready to burst I hear the sweetest sound. A faint cry as that tiny body learns how to suck in the air that will feed each breathe. A cry x’s 4 that forever changes my life. The man in blue holds that precious bundle into the air x’s 4. Naked. Dimpled. Wet. Crying. Beautiful. The most beautiful sight that will forever be engraved in my heart. Those eyes. Big. Brown. Piercingly gentle. Alert.

One glance and I will never be the same. I love so deeply without warning. Nothing could prepare me for this love. The depth of this love. The rejoicing. The mourning. The aching. The blessing of this love x’s 4. This love was instant and yet the wait for this day seemed so long. Each day from this moment on is fleeting. The firsts come so quickly. First smile. First bath. First roll over. First laugh. And yet it seems the firsts never end. And then they become the last. You lay upon my chest in perfect peace. Comforted. Safe. Secured. And yet you don’t belong to me. You are HIS and oh how hard that is to remember x’s 4. I cradle and feed you by means of which only God could design. I hear the satisfied coos and then without warning you stop. Milk dribbling down your face. You look up at me with those big brown eyes and grin the biggest grin a 1 inch mouth can produce. We hold that look and smile at each other and then hunger overtakes you again. But in that moment I read your mind. Thank you mommy. I love you mommy. I feel treasured. I feel secure. And even though I know this is the communication of a heart that can’t yet verbalize, to me it is a beautiful poem that will forever be sung in the memory of my soul x’s 4. Cherished Moments. Precious Memories. Sleepless nights as I watch each breath. My hand heavy upon your back as I pray blessing and so much more over this precious life x’s4. Fevers. Rashes. Ear infections. Stomach bugs. Unknown pains that produce sleepless nights and grumpy babies. All the while knowing HE loves you more than I do. Unconditional. Infinite. Perfect. Sacrificial.

You grow right before my eyes and I try to no avail to hold you close. Bike rides. Roller Skates. First sleepovers. Birthday Parties. Kindergarten. Letting go. Trusting. Faith. And then a gentle whisper to your soul and you are drawn. The day we have prayed for since conception has arrived. Your trust is placed in Him. Your life given to Him. Salvation. Forgiveness. New Life. A New Birth. Redeemed. Growing. Growing.

And then it seems that as quickly as you made your entrance into the world so to into manhood. Those dimpled toes are beginning to sprout and look like that of a man. That smooth baby face now has a roughness to the touch. Tall. Prestigious. Mature. The crackling voice and the awkward laugh. Yet that childlike faith continues. New revelations. New testings of your faith. Faith that is grounded. Faith that is secure. Faith that whispers to your soul. You are mine. All is well. I am in control and I am good. Jesus and Jesus alone. He is all you need. He is all you have ever needed. You know this full well and my heart rejoices. Questions unanswered. Plans not yet revealed. Yet full confidence in His will.

Now the life I once cradled, cradles me. My head rests upon your chest. Your tender touch of assurance that “Mom, I am fine.” You wipe away my tears and whisper all is well. He is in control. Our sustainer. Our deliverer. Our God. At that moment I know, my deepest heart’s desires have been fulfilled. You were never a right. You were never a choice. You are my privilege. You are my joy. You are my delight. You are my gift. You are LIFE. You are His breathe. His creation. His masterpiece. Perfectly flawed for His purposes. For His Kingdom’s glory. Nothing a coincidence. Not one moment of happenstance. No mistakes. Situations deemed flawed and cursed by the world but blessed and perfect by the standard of heaven. A weaving of His handiwork. A tapestry of His beauty. For His glory. LIFE x’s 4!

"Loved The Way We Love Them"

There are many reasons why I love my boys, but nights like tonight when the laughs are gut wrenching and the excitement is at its greatest I engrave those reasons in the precious memory section of my heart.

It started as a normal evening...Mommy cooking diner. Joshua stealing french fries as fast as I can cook them. Matthew asking every 30 seconds when the meal will be ready because he is starving. Caleb holding on to every minute of play before the heart breaking call to come inside and Jacob claiming that he is never hungry unless swiss cake rolls are on the menu. The steak sandwiches were in the panini press and the fries were being taken up batch after batch and I realized we had NO ketchup. You can't have homemade fries without ketchup. Knowing that my nieces and nephew love ketchup as much as my children do, I knew they would come to our rescue. I left Matthew in charge of swapping over the french fries as I made my less than 5 minute journey in search of ketchup. On the way home I called and I heard Caleb's voice on the other end of the line. In his best "indian" accent voice he says, "Hallo" "Caleb, can you ask Matthew to take up the paninis and put two more on the grill." Continuing in the accent I love, he says, "What da matter? You do not think I can do dis? Do not doubt me lady, do not doubt me. Ok, done and two more on the grill." "Caleb, what is the status of Matthew's french fries?" "Fry, I see no fry. I see steam, lots of steam. What I need to do for you lady? Do not doubt me." "I'm around the corner so hold on. We need to finish frying those french fries, but I don't want you to get hurt." "Let me see here lady, I know what to do..." crackling, popping, whishing..."Caleb what was that?" "Lady, I have it all under control. Drop and run, drop and run. I just throw one in da oil and run away." At this point I am laughing hysterically at this accent and how hilarious my Caleb is. He can make me laugh like no one else can. As I open my front door and hope that behind the billows of smoke or steam as Caleb apparently calls it, I can find my way to the kitchen. I recognize Jacob sitting on the floor with his hands over his eyes yelling," my eyes, my eyes, the smoke, the smoke." Joshua begins to open doors and blow like the big bad wolf huffing and puffing the smoke from the house. I remove the pan ready to burst into flames while still holding 6 black and crispy french fries and in walks Matthew. Slowly. Calmly. "What's going on out here?" "Matthew, you left the grease on the stove and it was about to catch fire. You were suppose to watch the fries." "I did, but then after I took them up I wasn't sure what to do so I went to the back to rest. Mom, you really shouldn't leave an 11 year old boy with a brain tumor in charge of something that can catch fire. I'm just saying." The house did not burn down and we had the greatest night. The laughter filled the house as thick as the smoke. I love my children. The voices. The impressions. The dramatic covering of the eyes as they overreact. The lackadaisical attitude of my oldest son. Everything about them I love. As I think about how deeply I love them and how much I treasure spending time with them I am reminded even more how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father as lavished on us that we should be called the sons of God and that is what we are." The love we have for our children pales in comparison to the love our Father has for us. It is so hard to imagine sometimes when I look into those faces and know how deeply I love them. But oh how much greater He loves me. Matthew 7:11 "If you then though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly father give goods gifts to those who ask him." Delight in Him. Embrace the time spent with your Father. He loves you. He rejoices over us with singing and he cherishes every moment we spend with Him. He is our Abba, Papa, Daddy, Father! He is our protector, our provider, our deliverer, our confidant, our wisdom, our comfort and everything else we need today or will ever need. Oh how He loves us!!

"Define Blessings"

I remember when I fell in love with him. It was the summer after my daddy had a heart attack. He sent me a letter filled with scripture and encouragement and asked me what I was learning while walking through this trial. I knew at that moment that this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. The weeks and months that followed set the course for the rest of our life together as we sat on opposite ends of the couch talking well into the night about what God was teaching us, how He was changing our lives and what He was doing in the world around us. Though we aren't on separate ends of the couch anymore those talks are still my favorite. I was reminded of that tonight as we sat in a booth, in a quiet restaurant and once again broke the barriers of silence as we filled our corner of the building with what probably seemed like a buzzing of noise to those sitting around. To me that noise was sweet music to my soul. It was the continued building of oneness as I see God inscribing the same message on our hearts. As Matt began to share with me what God has been teaching him and doing in his life I realized that God has been working within my heart a similar message. Matt quoted a scripture tonight that the Lord has recently called him to dissect. Matthew 5:45 "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Too often in life we equate blessings with obedience and trials and tragedy with disobedience. Is the one suffering from cancer being punished for a disobedient act? NO! John 9:1-3 "As he went along he saw a man blind since birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." Trials, sickness, difficulties and hard times do not always come because we have sinned or are disobedient. They can come as the consequences of disobedience and bad choices, but this is not always the case. There are times when we must face circumstances in our life so that the "work of God might be displayed in our life." So I ask you...define blessings? Was this man's blindness seen as a blessing from birth. I am certain that his parents weeped and mourned their child's lack of sight, but when seen in the light of eternity it was a blessing. Anytime God can receive the glory as the work of His hand is displayed for all to see, then it is in fact a blessing. The day Matthew was diagnosed with a brain tumor a dear friend was waiting in our driveway when we arrived home from the doctor. I don't remember much about those first few hours but I remember something he said, "These are the times we don't ask why me God, but instead why NOT me." This statement stands out to me so vividly because Matthew said the same thing that night at the hospital. He had not heard our dear friend share this with me, but laying on the bed in the Children's Hospital ER I asked Matthew how he was feeling about all of this. "I don't really feel anything right now. I'll just take it one step at a time. At first I thought, why me and then I thought why not me? God will take care of it." The minute something this world finds difficult approaches our lives we begin to question God's blessings. We compare our lot with another's. We wonder what we have done to deserve this trial. Our eternal perspective is all wrong. None of this is about us. How selfish to even think this way! It is all about HIM and HIS glory and HIS plan. I remember hearing Steven Curtis Chapman after his daughter's death say, "When you look at a small section of a tapestry it does not make since and is not very pretty, but when step back and look at the whole creation it is a beautiful masterpiece." We are so distracted by the threads in the small patch that we forget that God is weaving within us and through us a beautiful tapestry for His kingdom's glory. How conceited of us to tag those things He filters into our lives as blessings or curses. My cancer years ago seemed like such a curse at the time, but proved to be a blessing as once it was gone God followed it with 4 little blessings. He used it to accomplish His purposes. The death of our sweet dog Gideon seemed like such a tragedy years ago, but in hinds site it has been a blessings since one of our children is deathly allergic to dogs. God's ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. We must view our life and the circumstances in our lives with an eternal mindset. ALL FOR HIM AND FOR HIS GLORY!! (This is just a glimpse of our date night conversation, but do you see why I love him?) What have you tagged as a blessing or a curse in your life? What circumstances are you walking through right now that would cause you to want to trade places with another? Embrace this life that God has called you to. Ask Him how you can shine His light for His kingdom's glory. Ask Him to give you an eternal mindset as you walk in contentment whatever the circumstances. And Oh, how he loves us oh, Oh how he loves us, How he loves us all.

"The Moments That Change Our Lives"

Our lives can forever be changed in the twinkling of an eye. I can think of many moments in my life that have forever changed me. On March 16, 1996 when I said the words "I Do" my life was forever changed. In 1998 when in a groggy state I heard the doctor speak the words, "It's cancer" and I have never been the same. On four different occasions I have been blessed to have my life changed by a precious cry that broke through the silence of a delivery room and this heart has never been the same. On December 17 my life was forever changed when I heard the words "your son has a brain tumor." It doesn't take long. The words only have to be few, but forever you are changed. The course of your life, the way you live and the activities surrounding you are all changed in the twinkling of an eye. Around the dinner table in 1978 my life was FOREVER changed as I acknowledged Jesus Christ as my Savior. That decision, made at that moment has changed me and the way I have responded to all the rest of these moments forever. Without the peace of Jesus, without His love, without His eternal perspective and without His spirit reigning in my heart, my marriage, my cancer, my parenting skills and the nightmare of being told your son has a brain tumor would all have resulted in different attitudes and would have caused my life to look very different. But that moment at the age of 5 when I said yes to Jesus, I said yes to a change for the better. I gave up control. I acknowledged that He was now in control of my life and now all things were possible through Him. He takes the things that we think would be impossible for us to handle and He makes it possible, because we do not walk alone and now He handles those things. It is amazing how quickly life as we know it can change. Things that just weeks before we could do without a second thought can now cause us great difficulty. Matthew is learning this lesson right now as he adjusts to his life changing circumstances, but what he knows and WHO he knows is truth. Matthew understands that all of this is being filtered through his father's loving hands and he doesn't have to handle it because Easter sunday 2004 Matthew's life was forever changed when he asked Jesus into his heart and life. I will never forget the prayer that precious 5 year old prayed that day."Dear Jesus, I have sin in my life. Please forgive me. Come live in my heart and you be in control instead of me. Amen." Then those big brown eyes looked up at me and his daddy and said, "Now I'm not just your son, I'm your brother... in Christ." In that moment Matthew's life was forever changed. God began preparing him that day for what was to come. There is another moment that we long for that will forever change our lives. I Corinthians 15:52 says "in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound and the dead in Christ will be raised imperishable and WE WILL BE CHANGED." The changes in this life may change how we live and how we view things on earth, but they are not permanent. One day my cancer will be gone, one day Matthew will no longer have a brain tumor, but we have the promise that in the twinkling of an eye WE WILL BE CHANGED. Why? Because we are in Christ. The very moment we called on Him, He not only changed our lives here on earth forever, but our eternity was forever changed. That hope is what makes the rest of this possible. That hope is what washes all of our fear and sorrow away. In the twinkling of an eye, in a sheer moment your life can forever be changed. JESUS can change your life for all of eternity. Call on His name. Say yes to Him. JESUS!

'No More Sorrow, No More Pain"

When our children are just learning to speak we ask them this question, "Who loves you?" They begin to go down the list, Mommy loves me, Daddy loves me, etc. Then we ask them another question. "Who loves you the most?" To which they have all replied "JESUS." That is our prayer, that they would know that Jesus loves them the most and that in return they would love Him the most too. Today I realized just how very specifically this prayer has been answered.

Since Matthew's surgery 2 weeks ago, I have asked him at least 5 times a day, "How are you doing buddy?" To which he always replies, "Mom, I'm fine." Today I ask him to come and sit beside me on the couch. He looked really tired and weary and so I asked "How are you feeling today buddy?" To which he replied, "Mom, I know you are concerned about me, but please stop asking me that. I am fine and even if this tumor takes my life I will be fine." I gasped and said, "Matthew, don't say something like that. I don't even want to think that way." "Mom, no offense to you but if I had to choose between spending time with you or being with Jesus, I would choose Him. Just think about it...in Heaven there is no more sorrow, no more pain. I haven't had much sorrow in my life, but I have had pain. To be with Jesus would be awesome. I long for that day, but I do love you." The whole conversation gave me a very uneasy, grateful, creepy peace. From a spiritual perspective as a mother I know this is the message we have engraved in his heart since he was very young. My heart is so encouraged to KNOW that this is his ultimate desire. I want him to long to be with Jesus. On the other hand, as a mother, this is the very thought process that scares you to death. I don't want to let go and in my heart I truly don't feel that I will have to right now, but none of us are assured of tomorrow. We are all planning to stay, but should be preparing to go. That is how Matthew spends his days. He is here! He is not going anywhere right now, but he is preparing for that day when he will see his king face to face. What an encouragement this should be to all of us. How are we preparing to go? What are we doing to prepare for the day when we meet our King face to face? What are we doing for His kingdom and His glory while we are here? Are we holding on to the people and the things of this world so tightly that fear of letting go interferes with our longing for Jesus? Do we spend our days in meaningless activities or are we seeking to make a difference for Him? One of Matthew's goals this year in planning to stay, but preparing to go is to read through the Bible. He started today. He is committed to this goal. He knows where is strength is found and where true wisdom is acquired. He is also in the process of writing the testimony of what has happened in his life over the last 2 weeks. He wants to turn it in at school as an essay. He also said, "Then it will be ready, if God ever asks me to share it with someone." He is planning to stay, but only for HIS glory. As a mom, I am honored, I stand in awe of God's faithfulness and I am challenged to know my Savior more and long for Him. What will you do in 2011 as you plan to stay, but prepare to go?

"Things Pondered"

Luke 2:19 "But Mary treasured up all of these things and pondered them in her heart."

Mary had been through a 9 month whirlwind. An angel had appeared to her informing her that she was going to have a baby even though she was a virgin. Not only was she going to have a baby, but she was going to give birth to the Messiah, the Promised One, The Savior of the world. The baby within her womb would one day save her (His mother) from sin, death, hell and the grave. Just a tad bit overwhelming don't you think for this young virgin? Can you imagine how fast those 9 months passed by and can you imagine the emotion, the wondering, the dreams of what this new life would be like? She was giving birth to the King of Kings and yet on the night of His birth she found herself in a stinky barn surrounded by animals. I am sure this was not what she had imagined. Where is the purple cloth, where are the servants, where was room service? "Come on people this is the King I am giving birth to." After a night of rejection and labor pains Mary held in her arms the answer to EVERYTHING. Suddenly NOTHING else mattered. It ALL made sense. The very touch of this baby in her arms, the star, the angels singing Hallelujah, the shepherds who came to see and then left to tell, all of this and it suddenly made sense to Mary. There was so much to ponder. There was so much to treasure. Every detail, every circumstance, every trial was suddenly seen as a blessing. As she looked into those clear eyes, held those precious little hands and snuggled that perfect baby she knew that this purpose was much bigger than what her human mind could comprehend. That is when her faith took over. Her hope was placed in this baby. She treasured ALL of these things in her heart. Why did she treasure them? Why the need to ponder? I don't know about Mary, but I have felt the need to treasure this week and ponder. I have been treasuring the event of the last 2 weeks in my heart and I have been pondering God's plan and His will concerning them all. I will confess that in those moments that I forget to treasure and ponder I begin to doubt. I have seen the very hand of God and experienced His peace, His healing and His comfort and yet when I let my guard down and choose not to treasure and ponder I am tempted to worry, fret and fear once again. WHY? HE is real! HE has met me at my point of need and yet I doubt that He will do it again. When I continue to treasure all of these things, thank Him, praise Him and ponder all of this in my heart, there is no room for doubt or fear. Mary had a lot to treasure. She treasured(regarded as precious) the events that had already taken place. She could see the hand of God on each and every detail. Oh what a treasure that was. Then she pondered.(to think about carefully before deciding or concluding, to appraise, to reflect.) She was reflecting on all that had happened and all that was to come as the result of this perfect baby. May we continue to treasure all that He has done and ponder His purposes. He is alive, He is active in our lives and He loves us so very much. JESUS!

The Evidence of Faith

Faith has been defined as "complete confidence in a person or plan." Our faith is in the Lord Jesus Christ. Our complete and total confidence is in the person of Jesus and in the plan He has for our lives. For 32 years I have talked about my faith in Jesus and at times I have been asked to allow my faith to have feet. At the age of 25 I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and I have been watching God work out His plan for me in this area for over 12 years. Even that did not require the faith that I have been asked to practice this week. When your greatest fear becomes reality the only thing you can grip is the complete and total confidence (faith) that you have in the Lord Jesus Christ. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." The substance of things hoped for or the assurance of things hoped for. The only hope we have is in Jesus. On Friday when I was told my 11 year old had a brain tumor I knew that NOTHING I did could make Matthew better. I couldn't will him better. I couldn't hug and kiss his boo boo and make it go away. My only hope was to place my son in the hands of Jesus. As Matthew was being wheeled back into surgery the thought occurred to me that I was sending my child down the hall with a TOTAL stranger. A man I had met less than 12 hours ago and I was giving him permission to cut my son's head open, drill a hole in his skull and work with instruments inside of his brain. What kind of sense does that make? I put my confidence and trust in the hands of a total stranger just because he "said" he was a doctor. I never asked to see his credentials. I didn't even have references. I just took him at his word. I "hoped" he knew what he was doing. Physically that is exactly what I did, but my true faith was not in this doctor who proved to be remarkable. He is merely a mortal man and he can and does make mistakes. As Matthew was being wheeled into that operating room I was placing him into the hands of the one to whom he belongs. I released my grip and placed him back into the hands of his Father. Matthew has never been mine. He has been on loan. I am a steward for a time. How long? I don't know. Longer than this world could promise last Friday. If my faith had not been in Jesus Christ I would have clung to the under rafters of that hospital bed and left claw marks down the hall as they pried me away from his side. Instead I kissed his head and released my grip and again placed my complete and total trust in Jesus. Faith with feet. Jesus asked me to walk the faith that spills forth from my mouth. When you have had to face your greatest fear, what is left to fear? It is easy to "say" you trust Jesus. It is easy to "say" that our faith is in Him. It is easy to "say" that He is in control and that He works out all things for our good. It is all easy to "say" but living it out and living it out in the midst of the fire seems much more difficult, but it doesn't have to be. If I can place my son into the hands of a stranger with a drill and a knife then I can place all of my children, all of my circumstances and all of my everything into the one that I have known so intimately for 32 years. I can trust in the one who has a long list of credentials and references. My trust and complete confidence is in the one who has raised men from the dead, performed many miracles and who He himself was raised from the dead. My faith is in Jesus. My complete and total trust and confidence is in Him. Where is your trust today? Do you trust in man? Do you trust in circumstances? Trust today in the person of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is able and He is worthy.

A Guest Post From My Brother

After receiving an e-mail from my brother last night sharing with me his thoughts and heart over the last few days I asked him if he would be a guest on my blog today. His message was such a blessing to me. I hope you enjoy it.

“You oh Lord alone are lifted high, the shadow of your wings is where I hide. I stand in awe I live life to bless you I sing a new song a song of the RESCUED, light of the world shine in my heart like the rise of the dawn. In this hour my heart is filled with trust, because there is no power or wonder like our God. You whisper, the oceans calm, you reach out, I stand in awe I live life to bless you, I sing a new song a song of the RESCUED, light of the world shine in my heart like the rise of the dawn. I am amazed, Lord who I am I that you are mindful of me, but angels bow down and heavens declare that you are my God.”

Matt and Monica asked us to sing praises during Matthew’s surgery on Saturday morning. This is the song God placed on my heart. I couldn’t remember the name of the song or who sung it. But the chorus was repeated over and over in my mind and soul during and after Matthew’s surgery. Even as we drove home Saturday night all I could sing in my heart was this chorus. As we were praising God for the miracles (notice that is plural) that He performed over the past few weeks to get us to this point I really stood in Awe of what He had done.

I stand in awe at the miracle of a doctor ordering an MRI for an 11 year old boy with headaches, when standard procedure is not to. I stand in awe at the last minute cancellation that put Matthew in an MRI machine two weeks before he was scheduled to be there which essentially saved his life.

I stand in awe at the body of Christ. That when called into action for one of their own showed up bigger and with more impact than any of us imagined. I stand in awe at the sheer number of people praying for my 11 year old nephew. People that we didn’t even know, people that we didn’t think really prayed, people from all over the WORLD lifting up healing in the name of Jesus for our precious nephew. I stand in awe at the man at church who I barely know that told me while praying for Matthew Friday night the Lord spoke to his Spirit and told him the tumor was not malignant and that Matthew would make a full recovery.

I stand in awe at God’s grace, providence and mercy that was shown to Matt and Monica who after hearing a parent’s worst nightmare were able to compose themselves enough to seek God and be strong for their son. A situation that as a parent I would assume I would not be able to function. I stand in awe at their composure and calmness during the surgery. As I sat with them in the waiting room it was evident that our God had calmed their spirits and they knew Matthew would be okay.

I stand in awe at my nephew, Matthew who handled himself in the most amazing way. His attitude, his composure, his selflessness were all such a work of the Lord in him. He never cried, he never questioned, he never seemed fearful. I stand in awe that an 11 year old has the courage to say “If I die, it’s okay, I know where I am going”.

Lastly I stand in awe of the God that we serve. His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts and that’s okay. I know that He is so passionately in love with each one of us that we need not worry. He will always have a plan and those plans are already done. I know that as our family surrounded Matthew Saturday night for a word of prayer that God spoke to me very clearly. He told me not to worry about Matthew. There is more work for him to do on this earth. And that Matthew is not going anywhere until his work is done. Praise the Lord!!

Michael

84 hours later...

84 hours ago I was told my son had a brain tumor. Tonight I am home listening to him laugh, joke, play and carry on with his brothers. It is music to my ears. I am amazed at the work of God's hand. Friday at 11:30 my greatest fear became a reality and GOD met me right where I was and gave me an opportunity to live out the faith which I teach and share with others. It has been an incredible 84 hours. Never before have I felt the presence of God in my life like I have these past few days. He has held me, he has cradled me, he has been my rock and my fortress. As I look at my precious Matthew tonight I am amazed that just 62 hours ago he was in the middle of brain surgery. Does that child above look like he just had brain surgery? I want to share with you specifically how we have seen the hand of God in so many details during the last few days.

Wednesday, December 15 - Matthew had a bad headache and because I needed a Dr.'s excuse for school we made a visit to the Dr. that afternoon. The Dr. ordered an MRI "Just to cover all the bases." GOD'S HAND

Thursday, December 16 - The MRI office called and said they had an opening and could get Matthew in 2 WEEKS EARLY. GOD'S HAND! I figured if we did the MRI I would not have to cook dinner because we would be out and it would be late. My selfishness???? No GOD'S HAND

Thursday, December 16 - As we prayed for the MRI results, Matthew prayed, "God may your will be done and give us the grace to accept whatever comes." GOD'S PREPARATION

Friday, December 17 - As soon as the Dr. told us about the tumor I sank into my husband's arms and was a mess. As people began to pray my strength was renewed and He carried me ALL the way. Immediate relief and peace came over me. GOD'S PEACE

Friday, December 17 - I could not sleep. Not wanting to let one moment pass without being covered in prayer I would not allow myself to rest. A friend on the other side of the world e-mailed and said, "While your American friends are sleeping, know that your friends in England are praying." Other reports came in of those in 5 different countries praying as well as friends here that God awakened. People were praying around the clock. I was able to rest. GOD'S PROVISION

Friday, December 17 - My in-laws were here to keep the other boys. I was at peace knowing they were well taken care of all weekend. (They wanted to be with us, but were willing to keep our hearts at peace by staying here with my boys.) My parents wanted to be in Birmingham with us and were praying asking God to provide a way. A friend showed up at the door with an monetary gift and said, "The Lord told me to give this to you." They were able to come right then and stay until Sunday. GOD'S PROVISION

Saturday, December 18 - The Dr. informed us that after seeing the 2nd MRI we had caught this JUST in time. Had we waited much longer Matthew would have been in REALLY BAD trouble. GOD'S TIMING

Saturday, December 18 - Considering my husband is a pastor, we are usually the ones there for others during surgery. In God's sovereignty he had OUR pastor (Bro. Al and Mrs. Kem) in Birmingham on an overnight date. They were with us during surgery. Only God could have ordained that. GOD'S COMFORT

Saturday, December 18 - The Dr. said Matthew's brain was a perfect canvas for the surgery and he was done in half the time he had told us it would take. GOD'S HAND

Saturday, December 18 - Matthew had prayed that he would not lose all his hair. They only shaved 2 small patches away. Just before surgery, my daddy told Matthew he would need a yamekah to cover those patches on on his head, so as they wheeled Matthew down the hall for surgery he began to sing Adam Sandler's Hanukah song. "Put on your yamekah, cause here comes Hanukah." I knew then God had answered another one of his prayer requests and he was not scared. (As an added note, when Matthew returned from surgery he said, "I hope all the people in this hospital don't think I'm Jewish.") GOD'S HAND

Sunday, December 19 - Matthew was doing so well, they took the brain drain out 2 days early. About an hour later his face became HUGE with swelling. I called people to pray. Before the Dr. could make it to the room it had decreased in size by half. GOD'S HEALING POWER

Sunday, December 19 - Matthew had prayed that God would use this to grow our church closer together. This morning our precious church pulled together and handled EVERYTHING we had left undone and everything that had to be done in our absence. Not to mention, they came together Friday night right after we got the news and corporately prayed for our precious Matthew. GOD'S UNITY

Monday, December 20 - Matthew has not had a headache since surgery. As a matter of fact he stopped taking ALL pain meds including tylenol and motrin on Sunday morning. His vision has become crystal clear once again. To the Dr.'s surprise he was doing so well he came home 2 days early. GOD'S HEALING POWER

Monday, December 20 - Sweet friends are blessing our lives beyond what we could imagine. GOD'S PROVISION

Monday, December 20 - 84 hours later....I SIT IN MY HOME WITH A CHILD WHO IS WHOLE AND WELL. A CHILD WHO SHOULD NOT BE HERE TONIGHT. GOD'S MIGHTY HAND HAS BEEN UPON HIM AND HE IS HEALED. Yes, he still has a brain tumor. He might always have a brain tumor. I heard him just a minute ago say, "Caleb, dude take it easy on me, I have a brain tumor." He might have a brain tumor, but he is here when according to the time table of man he should not be. God has used these 84 hours to accomplish more in our lives than you could ever imagine. If you walked into our home tonight you would have no idea what we have been doing for the last 84 hours, but my prayer is that because of the testimony and this time of faith building in the refiner's fire, you will forever see a difference in the Hawkins family. FOREVER WE ARE CHANGED BY HIS FAVOR AND HIS GRACE. WE BLESS HIS NAME AND WE PRAISE HIM.

We have had people ask what they can do for Matthew during this time. If you have put your faith and trust in Jesus then share it with someone else and live out your faith with boldness, FAITH and reckless abandonment. If you have never trusted Jesus with your life I want you to understand that HE is the only thing that has gotten us through this. We are not strong, we are not special, we are not amazing. We are helpless. We have depended on our Jesus to carry us through. If you have never given your life to Him, that is what Matthew would want you to do. He said, "If it means seeing people come to faith in Christ I would take another brain tumor. And the gifts aren't bad either." (Hey, remember he is only 11.) His desire is for you all to know Jesus and not just to know Him, but to follow Him and seek Him above ALL ELSE. Matthew's prayer and his confidence is that this situation has not been in vain. He know God has a plan for it and he can't wait to watch it unfold.

84 hours later...I am changed, I am humbled, I am thankful, I am clinging to Him tighter than every before and I am trusting Him to continue to do great and mighty things FOR HIS GLORY.

"The Good, The Bad and The Truthful"

We have shared our every thought and every emotion with you thus far. There has been good, there has been bad and there has been truthful. Here is a little from the heart of Matthew tonight.

Matthew has not complained not one time. He has not once asked why me or even cried in fear. He has been the picture of a young man covered in grace and strength by his Heavenly Father. Tonight and I were sitting here in the hospital room talking and he said, "Mom, sometimes I want to pray that I will wake up and all of this will have been a bad dream, but I know that would be selfish." I assured him that it was ok for him to feel that way.

I've had the same thoughts. He said, "I feel like I will never be normal again." I assured him he would NOT be normal again. "Matthew, you have been forever changed by the testimony of your faith and healing. Your life will never again be the same, but it will be better." "Yes ma'am I know and I know it is not in vain." "Matthew, let me ask you a question. If just ONE life was changed, if only ONE person came to faith in Christ because of your testimony would you do this again?" Without missing a beat he said, "Oh, yes ma'am." Tonight I am praying for that ONE. I am praying for that ONE life to be touched by his faith and love for Jesus. Tonight my sweet Matthew needs your prayers. He continues to smile and embrace this place, but there are hard days ahead and hard news to come. Tomorrow threatens to bring some news that might be the most disturbing to Matthew so far. Tomorrow we find out about his future where sports are concerned. He is nervous to hear what the Dr. has to say, but he would walk it all again for ONE. My friends, please share the testimony of our amazing Jesus and His grace, strength, love and healing power. If only for ONE.

He Meets Us At Our Point Of Need

The Dr. came in this morning and said Matthew was doing amazingly well. To quote, "He could not be doing any better." He came back and pulled the "brain drain" out and said we would be on our way home tomorrow. We were rejoicing and being tube free Matthew decided to take a bath.(That's my boy) As he got up and walked towards me I noticed what appeared to be something the size of a grapefruit protruding from the top of is temple to the bottom of his ear. I called for Matt to look. He took one look and said in urgency "Quick, get the nurse." When Matt feels urgent about something, then I know it is serious. The nurse came and in and they called the Dr. from the OR. At that moment I was scared to death. All I could do was pray and call on others to pray. I looked at my watch and realized everyone I knew was still in church. I called my brother's cell phone. They were in the middle of worshipping but Diane stepped out and grabbed the call figuring it was urgent due to the timing. I expressed to them our concern and they called on their prayer team and they prayed. I called 2 friends from our church and as word spread and people prayed the swelling began to go down immediately. My friends, GOD ANSWERS PRAYER and He says PRAY WITHOUT CEASING. In fact, by the time the Dr. came in the room the grapefruit had become an orange. The Dr. said he didn't see this much, but unless the swelling was in the area of what we call Matthew's pressure valve (the whole in his skull) then we didn't need to be too worried. I honestly thought the fluid was building back up and his face was going to explode. It looked that bad. God has continued to meet us at our point of need at every turn. Each and every detail has been covered by His almighty hand.

We have been excited today to share our faith with 2 of our nurses. We rejoice in the fact that they too are believers in the Lord Jesus and we were able to share our testimonies with each other. It was such a sweet time of fellowship and encouragement. Our prayer is that Matthew has no complications during the night and we can go home tomorrow. We are also praying that God would quickly bring those across our path that we need to share with, minister to and encourage, however it sounds as if we will be coming back quite often for check-ups, MRI's and other testings so hopefully this is just the beginning of a new mission field for the Hawkins family. I would prefer not to minister while admitted again, but a visit every few months would not be so bad.

Matthew is ready to get home and start hugging and thanking everyone for praying and praising on his behalf. We were reminded again today that our Christmas could have been very different. But God in His sovereignty has walked before us, carried us and provided the grace for each step of this path we are on. We remain humbled and thankful. This is not the end, but only the beginning.

A MORNING OF PRAISE!!!!

We are singing loud praises this morning. Around 5:00 they took Matthew in for a C-T Scan. The Dr. came in shortly after and said that Matthew was doing PHENOMENAL. So well in fact that they might be sending him home tomorrow. The Dr. is amazed at how well he is doing. The C-T scan showed that the swelling in his brain has gone down significantly, his ventricles are going back to normal size and the fluid is draining properly. His vision is getting so much better and his eyes are looking brighter and more open. They even came in and removed what we affectionately call his "brain drain." So many things to rejoice in this morning. We continue to praise Him and give Him ALL the GLORY. We stand amazed at the favor God has chosen to show our family. GOD IS ABLE TO DO ALL OF THIS AND SO MUCH MORE. I am not surprised at what He has done, but I am THANKFUL!! As my brother prayed last night as we had a family time of thanksgiving and praise, "God, most of all we thank you for sparing Matthew's life." There is so much to be thankful for and the praises continue to flow. THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF THIS TESTIMONY AS YOU HAVE ALL PRAYED AND PRAISED WITH US. Family of God....This is not just Matthew's testimony or the Hawkins' testimony, this is OUR (the body of Christ) testimony!!! You have all been a part of this testimony. ultimately it is the TESTIMONY OF JESUS CHRIST. THE MESSAGE OF WHAT JESUS HAS DONE. Sing with me..."To God be the glory great things He has done, and great our rejoicing through Jesus the son, who yielded His life an atonement for Sin and opened the life gates that all may go in. Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Let the earth hear His voice, Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Let the people rejoice. Oh come to the Father through Jesus the Son and GIVE HIM THE GLORY, GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE."